ALSO KNOWN AS: Angelina Jolie: The Movie
GENRE: Revisionist backstory fairy tale that has nothing to do with said fairy tale.


Only an “apostrophe S” away from an accurate self-description

Maleficent is the closest thing to a Dementor the human race has had the joy to experience. But while such magical non-beings are tasked with sucking a human being dry out of any happy memories lying inside their brains, this movie targets a very specific memory: that of our childhood’s first viewing of Sleeping Beauty. And the movie is not content with just feeding on it, as it also aims to destroy it before our very eyes and replace it with a dark void of bitter nothingness. This feeling of emptiness then multiplies exponentially when you remember you actually paid for this “service”. Continue reading



The summer Californian weather was nigh unbearable inside the central headquarters of the Walt Disney Corporation. A building composed out of nothing but crystal walls and the most basic of frames seemed like a great idea at the time; yet, come 2010, global warming quickly transformed such modern mess into a frying rectangle of doom. Every floor was as stuffed with workers as it was stuffed by hovering particles of gaseous sweat. Oxygen supplies were low. Canisters full to the brim with freshly produced O2 were being ordered by phone, but it proved unsuccessful. The sun’s disdain for the human race was so powerful it had blown up all artificial oxygen canisters on the West Coast with heat alone. The nearest oxygen dispenser was three states over. Continue reading